The Dangers of Assumption

How and what we communicate is really important to how we are received. This blog is the first of a multi-post series on communication where I will aim to help creatives on their journey to becoming more effective, fluent and effortless communicators.

Disclaimer: Each post contains reflections on experience working with creatives, and should not to be taken as clinical or medical advice.

Nothing kills the vibe at a black-tie dinner quite like five Brits in full costume. This was a memorable reality for me a few years ago during my stint living in California. Some British friends and I were invited to a ‘fancy dress’ party. In the UK, that means costumes. In the U.S., it means formal wear. So, while the Americans in the room were dressed to the nines, my friends and I turned up in costumes, glitter and all. The silence was deafening.

And that was the day I learnt about “assumptions”.

Assumption is one of the most common keys to breakdowns in communication. Have you ever assumed something about someone, or had something assumed about you, only to find that getting even just one missing detail of truth, when added in, changes the narrative entirely? Assumption at its worst can leave you feeling very misunderstood, and if assumption and truth are blurred, it can lead to us acting and treating others as if what we assume about them is true, and to adjust our behaviour accordingly. In this blog I want to address some of the common features of assumptions, as well as offer some keys of how we can avoid these in our conversation to help us become more effective communicators.

Semantically-packed words:

That’s quite a phrase, hey? Well let me unpack it for you. Language has immense power. But even the same two words can lead to different assumptions. Let’s take the word: Peace. My housemate wants to feel peace; that is, to be in silence meditating. My other house wants to feel peace too; that’s a clean kitchen, classical music playing, a load of washing tumbling away in the background. The silent peaceful and the classical music, productive peaceful are producing vastly different outcomes but both using the same word. So in conversation, when someone reflects on how they just want ‘peace’, we can have two different images in our head because of an assumption about what that peace is. And, the assumption that peace is universally defined.

Semantically-packed words are everywhere and underpin many assumptions. Let’s look across to the American media: “Make America Great Again”- but what on earth is great? Who defines great? What if ‘great’ means one thing to someone in Idaho and something entirely different to someone in California. To one person, ‘great’ may mean fair. To another, ‘great’ may mean successful, productive.

Communicating non-specifically always leaves room for assumption. And what’s the problem with assumption? It leaves us to act as if what we assume is true. My housemate said she wanted peace, so naturally I turned on the classical music for her. But that’s not peace for me, I hate classical music.

Moving on to a second characteristic of assumptions…

The “Obviously” Paradigm

A few years ago, my friend Flo pointed out that I used the word ‘obviously’ a lot in general conversation. Phrases such as “they obviously think this”, or “obviously this is what they were meaning”, or “I bet I know why they did that” (the same thing, using different words) would routinely come out of my mouth and I hadn’t even realised it.

And it wasn’t until she asked me a simple question that it dawned on me I had been basing so much of my social interactions and general self-talk on the beloved assumptions, again! That simple question she asked me was, “well, how do you know so?”.

The truth is we never really know why someone did something until we ask about it. Even then there’s a chance that they don’t know why they did it. So many factors play in both known and unknown to the person in question, and many of these will not have been thought through.

A useful way to combat this is to turn the certainty (or ironically lack, thereof) into a question. For example, instead of assuming “they obviously didn’t enjoy that interaction”, you could try, “I get the impression you didn’t enjoy our first impression! Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking, so I can understand you better?”

That brings us on to assuming we know how people feel..

Assumptions About Emotions

Assuming people know how you feel about them. This one can get gushy, but is a starting point to all important relationships.

Noticing both the hard and soft skills of your colleagues makes it easier to give constructive feedback—especially when you've acknowledged their strengths and how their personality enhances their role. The same applies to personal relationships. Tell your friends how you see them; don’t assume they already know. If everyone stays silent, those affirmations remain unheard. You might even reignite someone's buried dream of becoming a counselor just by telling them they’re trustworthy and a source of comfort.

Without these reflections, uncertainty creeps in. How often have you heard a friend in a new relationship say, "I don’t know what he likes about me—he’s never said." Do them a favor: eliminate the guesswork. Ask the questions. Drive out the grey.

The Antidote to Assumptions: Curiosity

The antidote to assumption is curiosity. Curiosity is a powerful tool. Curiosity is designed to tilt us towards all that is good, true and real.  Remain curious in your interactions with people. Ask yourself: “What am I assuming about them? What am I assuming they know? What am I assuming they think?”

Let’s take a late arrival scenario for example. Start with the facts: A friend didn’t turn up when they said they were going to be. That’s the only information we actually have. Next, ask questions. As you go along, notice what the story is that you tell yourself, and reflect this to them. Perhaps tell them, “when you arrive late, it makes me feel like I don’t matter. Or that you don’t care about this friendship.” Or in professional settings, you could offer feedback: “when you arrive late, it communicates this appointment or meeting isn’t important to you.”

This type of interaction benefits both people; the latecomer is given the opportunity to explain why they turned up late and reflect on the impact of their actions, and the question-asker is given clarity. I say again, curiosity is a wonderful thing. It brings learning, strengthens understanding, and fosters new ideas. It turns uncertainty into insight and helps build deeper connections.

Dr. Jung has a brilliant quote: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” My challenge to you reading this, is to begin to notice what you assume of others, especially when emotions are heightened. Notice what you assume of yourself. Don’t judge it, but lean in with curiosity.

Curious for more?

In coaching we discover some of the assumptions we may not have realised were there.

We unearth beliefs, mindsets and deep-rooted ideas about life, people, work, family, friendships and our assumptions about the outcomes. ‘I will be abandoned’,  ‘I will be fired’, or ‘I will lose all my friends’ are common phrases that come up during coaching. And all in the safety of confidentiality as well as the reassurance that I have been right where you are. I have made all the same assumptions, and laid in all the same traps; and I can assure you, there is freedom and greater confidence on the other side.

We then begin the amazing process of uncovering these limiting beliefs and beginning the process to get free of them. This is the whole goal of coaching; to identify limitations and to drive out that which holds you back.